Obviously, my first love... of many
I know in my heart of hearts
that it was you that I saw today
in of all places "Lowe"s...hardware
and without trying to be to damn
obvious, i checked out your hairline,
your nose and your eyes...but it was
your walk away from me
when I recognized and realized
that it was you for sure...
How have you been for the last 36 years...
did you even recognize the glimpses of me?
(on aisle seven, i think)...
or did you intentionally pause
in front of me... twice 
so I could to see you more clearly?

"screamed"

remember how
"it" used to be?

 pause...slowly
 then...
 
remember how
"it" is now...

you made the voice
inside my head

scream, silence...
silently...

outloud!!!
remember?



 

...life with you
is so damn taxed
and i guess
i've been on the
blink, blink
but was reminded
tonight by your
wink, wink
and i remembered our
past on the edge of a
brink, brink
didn't you sign
that bottom line,
too?
think, think...

Abstruct thoughts...
Strung out in my head
So long denied
So long dead
Are pushing thru
To my centers front
While taking backseat
To my life...

I,
Need to go
Figure out...
(perhaps)???
Some restive
Thoughts...

PIERCING THOUGHTS...
   (how many are there, now?)

I already loved you
Unconditionally...
So why
Keep presenting me with
Your confused conditions?

Blindness to the real world
Is just blind...
Can't you see this?
NorthSouthEastWest
You
Are the only
One
Messing up
Your life's
Map positions
So...
Don't point blame
In no other direction
Than where it is due...

Choices are chosen, by
You...
Is there any way
That I can help
Ease your burden?
Perhaps...
Forgive
Your load
Of disruptive thoughts
That have disturbed
Us, mine and our lives...
Perhaps?
(but that would be dealing with my life)
(not yours)...

Do you
Really want me
To wash my hands clean of you
Without...a finalized rinse?

You used to shine in your own brillance...
So please, don't
Dull down
Your own life...now
With the age appropiate, drival
That has dripped from baby tongues
(and has been done to death)
 By many  previous generations...

...Think for yourself
For once...or twice....or trice...
(and be prepared)
To suffer the consequences
Of your own, unconcious,
Unawehred life...

"The pen is mighter than the sword"  
(or so it is said)
...and I find this particularly true
With you
And your Expressions
Of  verbatumed words
So eloquently vocalized
By your fingertips...
(as gospels)...

Change your moods,
(to suit the madness of it all)
your clothes and specifically
Your natural blonde hair...
(then...go figure)
The awehrness of it all...

...are you even aware of my little (green) sub-life
that grows constantly inside of me?

It feeds and produces on what I feed it mentally...
and is nutured by my daily requirements...

of a needy, greedy, pleased me
of...and with...and for...you...

...do you even know the real me (the one that lives
inside my heart and head)
 
The (green) garden that grows, the one that I tend
with the seeded ideas, that I sow and spread...

Does it shows in things that I get done
or the things that I make happen

in neat plotted rows, of every day existance
of...and with...and for...you...

I dreamed a very disturbed dream
  that envolved some unknown faces
As I climbed many flights of stairs
  that led to an elevator ride, back down...
And something about it all seemed
  so vague, yet so...damned familiared
To my awakened conscious,
   conscientiousness of real life...go figure?

I am a woman
a one-of-a-kind
that can read
( between )
the very thin lines
of love and hate
with precisioned
MEasureMEnts...
(go figure)

For the rest of my life
until my dying day...
I'll be trying
to figure you out
and how you fit
into my jigsawed life
with all of your
puzzeled pieces that
gived and gaved and granted
me...
soMEhow, internaled
PEACEs...
(go figure)

I am a woman
and yet the blackest sheep
of two strongly ewed
families...
that lives
in pictured pastures
all alone...
without kindred kin
and I lea...low
baa...baa...baa...
with only views
of green grass to chew
my fat on...
grazing 
with a blue sky
blazing over
my blackest
sheeped head...
You may think
"she may as well be dead"

selfishindulgence
of my MagnitudE...
I am the happiest !!!
I have ever been...
thanks, to all of you
and you and ME!!!
(because you know, who all of you are
and you know, who YOU are, too
and I know
who I am...
because I had aimMEd at
a purposed life
that began in the year of a 1979 "you" and spilled over into a 2003 "me")

I am slowly coming back to life
so please, don't  "Pop-Pop" my bubble
and cause me to display
my tirade of  colors...
the reds, blues and grays of my MatterEd days
(that could go on forever and ever and ever)
baa...baa...baa

I am a woman
huMANNized from aniMalEd sides 
with a quartered century of hind sights
and I tend to raMblE on...

now...
does this bring you up to date?
did you even read
into my lifes debates
that dove deeper beyond
my written words?
into the wounded works
expressed from ME
to you?
(go figure)

so...
2004...
I'll not miss you and your
ROLLER COASTER rides
thru my many eMotionalEd, annalyzed sides
ADIEU to you my annual friend (and foe)...

Now, I look forward 
to a fucking, fantastic
carousel ride
around and around and around...
I am the woman that hopes
that you and you and me
will grasp the ring in 2005...
(go figure)

Happy New Year
or in other words
blah...blah...blah...
(from a pasturiezed me)

Merry Christmas to all
and to all, silent night...

I pray
that TREE
appreciates
every...
single...
LEAF
I turn
one branch 
at a tiME...

ahhMANN